My friend prompted me to read Proverbs from the Bible. Before he even finished the sentence, I can feel my heart starting to beat faster, my blood pressure rising, and my mind in chaos generating excuses to avoid the subject. I am not kidding.
It is not that I am anti-Christianity, but I’ve never enjoyed the teachings. But mostly, I never enjoyed anything that sounded preachy. I stopped going to Bikram Yoga because it became more of a Bikram Choudhury worship than a yoga practice. I just couldn’t concentrate when the instructor quoted Bikram every time I lay down for Savasana. When being preached to, I start to feel my soul being sucked right out of me.
I decided to give the Bible another try, and as a bibliophile, recommendations are never passed up. I told myself to read the selection solely as a piece of literary art. Proverbs proved to be a bit of a challenge to pick out its aesthetics.
I started out reading the King James Version, but ended up reading the Contemporary English version. The more I read the King James Version, the angrier I became. The inability to comprehend all of what I was reading partly contributed to the frustration. After switching to the Contemporary English Version, I was less resentful. However, I was still unable to appreciate the Bible as I do with the typical fiction and nonfiction I am used to reading. I still had the nagging feeling that I had to follow all these commandments in order to gain God’s favor.
I did find one verse that I liked.
We make our own plans, but the Lord decides where we go.
Proverbs 16:9
That verse basically sums up what I believe in, the idea of Christian existentialism. We are responsible for giving meaning to our lives; we must take “a leap of faith.” At the same time, we must trust that our decisions will be evaluated in the face of God, for holding oneself up to Divine scrutiny was the only way to judge one's actions. Because I know I am unable to fulfill all of God’s commandments, I get a looming notion of despair. I never liked adhering to rules. I often use them as guidelines.
It is so hard for me to get away from the mindset of the religious aspect of the Bible. While I am unable to appreciate the Bible as literary, I will try to read it as existential literature.
